what makes my heart happy: Portland Intergenerational Women's Choir

Happy holiday season! I hope you all are decking the halls, jingling your bells and getting your wassailing on.

I've been meaning to write about this subject for a long time but just never getting around to it. Well, now with the holiday season here and choir concerts filling the air, I need to tell you about a group that is really dear to me.

Last January I started singing with the Portland Intergenerational Women's Choir. This choir was created and is led by my friend Crystal. She started this choir with the mission to bridge the generation gap through music and service. Rehearsals are held in senior living villages where the residents can come and sing with other women of all ages, backgrounds and walks of life. From the website:

"In today's society there is a disconnect within our communities. A gap has been created between the young and old. Part of the PIWC mission is to mend the gap and change the attitudes we have about our young and old.... We are for every woman that wants music in her life. PIWC believes every individual has a voice and welcomes all singers at all musical levels."

I will admit...I originally joined because my friends were in it and I was jealous that they got to perform at places like The Grotto and the Zoo. At the first rehearsal, two of my friends couldn't come and I started to have my doubts. Is this really what I want to do with my Monday nights if my friends weren't there? Was it even worth it?

However, I kept coming. There were times I had to force myself, but I showed up. Soon though, I noticed that every single time I left rehearsals, I was happier. I had not realize how much I missed singing in a group. When I was singing with these ladies, I felt joy. I felt a connection to the women I was raising my voice with and a sense of community that I think only music can create.

Monday nights are now something I look forward to all week. I have made some fantastic friends and I get to sing my heart out with 40+ women every week. The 1 1/2 hour rehearsals fly by and, without fail, I leave pumped and full of energy.

Now, our Christmas performances are starting! We had our first show last Saturday at the Portland Symphonic Girlchoir Annual Jinglebear show where PIWC were their special guests. We only did four songs, but we tore the roof off that place! It was awesome! Three of the songs were Christmas songs, but our last one was Price Tag by Jessie J (it's apparently on the radio now, but I hadn't heard it before). The message of the song is that life isn't about money and that we should just enjoy life, which is an important message during this season where consumerism can run out of control. I have a solo in this song. It's a rap solo. Yes, I rap now. And I am going to toot my own horn right here...I rock that rap solo! When we were doing that song, the audience got really into it and it was such a rush to be up there watching their reactions. They loved us.

Don't worry if you didn't get to see my rap debut...there are more shows coming up! Four, to be exact (except for we won't be doing Price Tag at The Grotto... it's not exactly appropriate for that place). If you can, I really, really hope you can come out and see a performance. And not just to see me (though I am pretty fabulous). The PIWC performances are fun, lively and will let you see the community I am talking about and am damn proud to be a part of.

Below is a list of our upcoming performances. All of the shows are free except for The Grotto, where you do need to pay admission to their Festival of Lights (which is a great holiday activity in itself).

Friday, December 9, 2011
The Heights at Columbia Knoll - 8320 NE Sandy Blvd Portland, OR 97220
Time: 7 pm

Monday, December 12, 2011
Laurelhurst Village - 3060 SE Stark St Portland, OR 97214
Time: 7 pm

Friday, December 16, 2011
Irvington Village - 420 NE Mason St Portland, OR 97211
Time: 6:30 pm

Thursday, December 22, 2011
The Grotto Festival of Lights - 8840 NE Skidmore St Portland, OR 97220
Time: 5:15 pm

So, that's that! If you are interested in knowing more about PIWC and are maybe even a little bit interested in joining, go to the Portland Intergenerational Women's Choir website and check out some of our performances from last spring on YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/user/PIWCSings). Hope to see you all soon!

i'd really like to be occupying a bloody mary right now

Hi! How are you? How's the family? Did you see that UO vs. USC game last night? What a heart-breaker!

It's been a crazy/strange/busy time in my life, as always, but I just wanted to post a quick update for y'all...

In September I started choir again with the Portland Intergenerational Women's Choir. We have been learning our Christmas music and it's almost time to start the performances! There are at least four scheduled shows in the month of December and the one I am most looking forward to will be on Dec. 22 at The Grotto. If you want to hear beautiful music, you should check out one of the shows. I think I'll do a separate post on choir later, but if you want to check it out now (and I know you do), go to www.intergenerationalchoir.com.

As I wrote about in my last post, my cat Jelly Bean died on Nov. 3. She was 15 and from what The Momma told me, it doesn't appear that she was suffering. It was just her time. It was really hard on my when I first found out and then last weekend I went to The Momma's house to help clean up the cat stuff. Coming in the door and not having her meowing her greeting was like a stab in the heart. For 15 years, that was her house and she was always there.  It doesn't feel right for her not to be there. The Momma said it has been hard for her too, but it gets a little easier. I really do miss my sweet butthead of a cat.

Now the happy news...I got a new job! A real, grown-up, not-temporary job! I am now a full-time employee for Kroger at their benefits center. Remember the job I did this time last year as a temp? I'm back in that office, but this time it's permanent. My first day was last Monday, which was the beginning of the last week of their busiest time of year. I worked 10+ hour days and got some crazy overtime in. I didn't think I'd remember much from last year when I was there, but I only had one day and a couple of hours of training then I was thrown onto the phone by myself. It was the strangest, craziest first weeks of employment ever and I think I'm still recovering from the insanity. However, I am still over-the-moon-happy that I am no longer a temp and that I get to work with some of my good friends. I like helping people understand their medical benefits options. Medical benefits and such can be super-confusing for lots of people and if I can put it in terms that mean something to them and makes them feel more comfortable and confident in their decisions, then I feel that I have done something good and worthwhile in life.

So, those are the biggies in my life right now. I am excited for the holiday season and cannot believe Thanksgiving is in a few days! I hope you are all well and get to be with the ones you love this Turkey Day.

good bye to my wonderful kitty

My Jelly

Last night, my cat Jelly Bean died.

She was mean, grouchy, never very affectionate. If I was eating something she thought was delicious, she would scratch and paw at me until I gave her some. She would wake me up in the middle of the night because either she wanted a treat or she just thought I should be awake. She was never a lap cat and whenever anyone other than The Momma and I came into the house, she would hiss and scare the crap out of them. When I would come home from college or from being away for a long period of time, she'd ignore me, as if to say, "I no longer care for you. You have no value until you feed me."

But she was my kitty.

I'll miss how she made me laugh when she'd rub her catnip toy all over her face and then run around in her catnip-induced high. I'll miss how she'd knead my chest until I thought she had created multiple bruises and then settle down and take a nap. I'll miss how when I was getting ready for the day in the morning she'd sit on my bathroom counter and then she'd want me to pick her up and cuddle with her as I sat on my bed. I'll miss how she'd go crazy when we'd play with a Chinese yo-yo. I'll even miss how when I was sleeping in she'd get on my night stand and paw at my face as if to say, "You awake yet? You awake yet? Wake up, Sleepy!"

I got her as a kitten right after I had started the 8th grade, 15 years ago. She was my kitty for over half of my life. She wasn't the most loveable cat, but I loved her on her terms. She wasn't going to be the kind of cat that I wanted her to be. But she's the only cat I'd ever want.

I miss you, my stinky butthead kitty, and I will always remember you.

Jelly with her friend Tony

She loved a good bag

Her favorite sleeping position

totally introspective and quite self-indulgent

WARNING: Very self-centered and personal reflections ahead. Could very possibly sound like crazy, incoherent ramblings of a two-bit writer-wannabe. I don't capitalize my name for aesthetic purposes. She also switches from first to third-person references on a whim. I apologize.

My favorite quote is by Douglas Adams. I never remember the exact wording, but it is something like I am not where I thought I would be, but I am pretty sure I have ended up where I am supposed to be.

Growing up, I knew that I was safe and a valued member of my small community. However I knew that I couldn't stay, though my reasons changed as I became older. First, it was b/c big cities were foreign and and glamorous. They were where the movie theaters and Fred Meyers were. But being what I considered a somebody in Sandy was the best way that I could cope. Not being the popular, pretty and/or athletic type, I found my niche with theater and community involvement. Being involved with plays and being smart served me well. Not being a target of scorn by my peers (that I was directly aware of) made me comfortable and happy. But I knew that Sandy wasn't going to be my first and only home in life. The small-townieness felt like it was closing in on me, so I planned my escape, as many young people in small towns do.

I left and went to college. I went as far away as I could from Sandy while still paying in-state tuition to SOU. I, however, still clung to that familiarity of home though, longer than I should have. I sheltered myself, resisting the rest of the world, knowing that I should have opened up to it. My high school pictures and memories of those glory days were at the same time a life raft keeping me afloat and an anchor pulling me down. In my mind, I was a somebody in Sandy and hanging on to that idea and that my friends and I would never change prevented me from growing up.

Somehow I realized this during my sophomore year. I wouldn't say I knew it at the time, but leaving my childhood friends and going to a school without really knowing anyone set me on my path to freedom. That was my first step toward becoming jenna.

While my days at UO set me on my path, I still was only going waist-deep into the pool that is the real world. I still strove to find the same comfort and familiarity that I had known, just in a different setting and without curfews. Even my initial reason for joining AmeriCorps a year after I graduated was to be in a team where I could recreate that comfort zone of friends that's I'd grown up with, albeit with new people. That first year was the next wake-up slap in the head.

That first year, I found that I really couldn't be that same jenna from Sandy out in the real world. That jenna was needy, selfish and pretty mean. I couldn't get over my insecurities and made others turn away with my passive/aggressive attitudes. True, there were circumstances that I couldn't avoid or change and some really crap things happened to me emotionally that year, but how I wish I could have handled things differently.

I did get a second chance of sorts my second year of AmeriCorps. Signing up for that second year and being accepted as an STL was my attempt to correct mistakes I had made the first year and make my experiences they way I had initially hoped they would be. I still felt regret and pain from the previous year, but I found love and support from wonderful people too that had been missing before. I opened myself up a bit more to discovering who I am. I started to let myself be me, not who I thought others wanted me to be. That was a year where I started to really learn my lesson that not everyone would like me, but that I could be OK with it.

My final year with AmeriCorps was borne from my yet unfulfilled need to be on my own and to help me discover who jenna was. I picked a city on the opposite side of the country where I only knew one other person in the whole state. My Boston year was a year with the fewest safety nets in my life. I was on my own in a brand new, big city were all my needs and decision had to come from myself. Money became an issue for really the first time in my life, but it was also the first time I became truly accountable only to myself. I was in charge of making my own friends, planning my own social activities, ensuring that my needs for food, shelter and safety were met and figuring out how I was to deal with myself. I had to figure things out on my own.

That year gave me my true freedom. No...I gave myself my true freedom. I learned that I could survive in the world by being me. But it couldn't just be the me that I thought I was or that I thought I should be, but the me that included all my flaws and ugliness. I acknowledged the insecurities and jealousy that I had always had and that they were a part of who I was. Knowing this gave me the freedom I had been seeking. After that, I began to see the love, joy and true spirit of jenna. I could be comfortable and happy with this person.

I cannot take all the credit for these discoveries myself. It fills me with great awe and inspiration to see who the true friends in my life are, including my family. These are people who have seen my ugliness and awfulness but for some reason or another have stuck around. They make me feel deserving of love and happiness. They have always been there for me in their ways and it has taken me far too long to realize that. They give me strength to look at myself deep down. They should know who they are. If they don't, just ask. I'll tell you exactly how you have touched my life and how I will spend the rest of my days trying to repay you for it.

Returning to Oregon was an important homecoming. My traveling spirit sated for the time being, I decided I could move foward in life. Comfortable with my planted roots, I am now able to enjoy this newer, grown-up version that I currently am. I feel that this is the closest that "who I am" and "who I want to be" have matched up to each other. Of course there have been setbacks to this since coming home. They have taught me painful lessons and tried to drag me backward. But setbacks will always be a part of life and they will come and go. With every one that gets in my path, I grow and learn to recover more quickly in order to move on to the good stuff in this life.

As I sit writing this during my favorite activity of loitering at a coffee shop on a Sunday afternoon, I am content. Life moves on around me. I still carry those hurts and pains of life and growing up, but every day that I survive, I learn from them. Without them, I couldn't be as happy and at peace with today's jenna. This is a pretty good jenna to be right now.

hello to spring!

Once again, I have neglected this blog for quite a long time (last post on 1/20/11!?! yikes.) Since it has been so long, let me reintroduce myself and get you all caught up on my life...

Hi! My name is jenna! I am 28(?!) and am currently working for Fred Meyer in their main office in the Rewards department. You know that card that the cashier asks you about when you check out? Did you forget that card and have now missed out on all of those Rewards and fuel points? No worries! Just give me a call and I'll add the points for you! Didn't get your $0.10/gallon discount when you got gas? It's probably your own fault, but I'll try to make you feel better about it. This is not what I want to do for years and years to come, but it's a job and it's comfortable enough (for now).

Since I started working at the FM corporate office last September, I have been staying with my Grammy, who lives much closer to the office than The Momma, who is still in Sandy. It has been a good arrangement, but I defiantly do not brag about still living with my family at my age. College and three years of AmeriCorps did not allow for any type of savings and I know that I have been very blessed to have family that I truly enjoy being with and who will put up with my broke-ass, free-loading shenanigans.

But, little jenna is finally becoming a grown-up. I still have my car Babs and she is totally paid for. I have a job with no end-date. And in May, I'll be moving into a house! My friends Stephanie and Heather currently live in Gresham and they wanted to move into Portland and into a proper house. Two-bedroom houses are hard to come by and I was looking for roommates, so we decided in March to find a place together. It's been a long and painful search, but on Saturday we looked at a house that we all fell in love with as soon as we went in. We had been looking on Craigslist for houses and looked at several. The places were either in sketchy neighborhoods, too small or were already taken by the time we called the property management people. I was also having a hard time swallowing the $30-$45 application fees we were going to have to pay once we decided that we liked a house enough to go through the application process. We saw a "for rent" sign at this particular house when we looked at a house that was three doors down. We filled out the application on Saturday with the owner/landlord of this place and didn't even have to pay an app fee. After the landlord reviewed our app, he called Steph this morning and said the place was ours!!! I'm giddy with joy!

"Where is this house?" you may be asking. To you, I say, "Leave me alone, stalker!"

But really...It's on NE 31st off of Ainsworth and near the McMenamins Kennedy School. It's a super-cute house with four bedrooms, one bath, a nice yard and a bonus/family room in addition to the living room. The living room has a fireplace and built-in bookshelves. The kitchen has new cabinets that are a pretty rosewood and granite countertops. Heather and Steph are going to take the bedrooms on the main floor and I am going to take a room in the downstairs area. The two rooms down there are a bit small, but I might use the bonus/family room as my bedroom instead. I haven't decided. I am so, so happy that we got this house. I can't wait to move in and get settled. I am tired of living a hobo life and don't plan on moving for a long time after this.

So, that's the excitement in my life right now. I might keep up this blog a little better now, but don't bet the farm on it. I am hoping the writing muses visit me more often so I can become a more consistent writer. I don't delude myself by thinking that people who read this hang on my every word and pray for a new post daily. Writing this blog is a process I enjoy and is just another outlet for story-telling. I'm amused by it, anyway...even if I am the only one :)